People want their own way - it’s natural and it’s normal. In my years as a mediator and group facilitator, I have seen countless clients try to get their way and not realize that they are their own worst enemy.  They unnecessarily doom their own cause by failing to take one very simple, low-risk step - acknowledging the other person’s point of view.   

What is this “acknowledgment” and why is it so important? 

“Acknowledgment” is merely letting the other person know that you’ve heard what he said.   It’s not to be confused with “agreement”. When you’re in a conflict with a spouse, a co-worker, or even a stranger, all of your instincts tell you not to agree or admit anything,  because, if you do, you’re signaling your own weakness. Try to separate the notions of “agreement” and “acknowledgment”.  You can let someone know they’re being heard without saying they’re right. It’s a no cost gesture with surprising benefits.  You can say “Message received”, with sincerity and open up the other person to hearing what you want and why.

This simple act has a powerful, leveraged impact.  First, it is a respectful action that most people don’t expect in an argument - so, it shakes up their familiar image of a conflict   and makes it more difficult for them to continue as relentless adversaries. Secondly, it has a “below consciousness” effect - generating a deep sense of satisfaction and well-being.  To be really heard by another person is a fundamental need in each of us.  Being heard lets us know that we have made contact - that we have attempted to make ourselves known and we have succeeded.  Much of the intensity in conflicts comes - not from disagreement - but from the frustration of not being heard.

So, how do you make an “acknowledgment”?  The first step is to STOP TALKING, stop thinking about your next argument, and focus all your effort on listening. Then, you say back to the other person  that you have heard what he has said.  It would sound something like this:  “Jim, I can hear that you are very upset about the job assignments and how they were made in a public meeting.”  or “Connie, I can hear what you are saying.  You want to make that decision yourself, and you think that I was pushing you.”

You can experiment with this communication technique.  Give a simple acknowledgment (without sarcasm) to someone who’s angry and watch their emotional intensity subside.  It will become much easier to talk about ways to solve the problem. An unanticipated result of this attentive listening can be that you absorb new information and re-evaluate your position.

Who would ever think that your best chance of getting what you want is to concentrate more on what the other person is saying?

___   Jeannette Twomey